Ouch.

So last Thursday I was ironing my shirt for work.

Hold on. Back up.

I must explain....

I have a table-top ironing board that I have placed on my mini-fridge.

Also, a couple days before, I accidentally dripped bleach on my black work pants.

Okay, where was I?

So I was ironing my shirt for work. I finished this and then decided to try to color in the bleach sports with a black Sharpie. I stupidly decided to do this ON the ironing board. Before I knew it, the pressure I was putting on the ironing board by leaning on it caused the board to slip off my fridge and my iron to fall on my arm!!!

Yes, I'm quite sure they're 2nd degree burns.














Probably should have gone to the doctor, but I didn't. I've been doctoring it myself, and it seems to be healing just fine. My problem is that because I've been wearing a bandage in the same spot so often, I've started to have a reaction to the bandage and have now broken out around the burn.

Gerrrrr.

Hello, strangers!

So I've been MIA for quite sometime now.

I doubt anyone has even noticed, but if anyone out there even reads this, I'm back!

I've been workin' my backend off (I'm broke as a joke), and this past weekend I went home for the boyfriend's 21st birthday and my best friend's wedding.

PLUS, I moved into my new place. It's nice here; definitely a "college" house (old, older appliances, kinda "dirty" etc.). I'm in the basement though, and it's freezing. I need to get a space heater, because I'm kind of miserable.

ANYWAY.....I'm back to finishing up the first season of Melrose Place.

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"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades." -- Demetri Martin

Fergalicious Def....

With the help of "The Dutchess," I now know how to spell the following words:

glamorous
delicious
tastEy (other less reliable sources tell me that there is no "E" but they obviously don't know what they're talking about)

Thank you, Fergie.

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"And I'm like 'get up out my face' 'fore I turn around and spray yo' ass with mace." - The Ferg...brilliance

I mean, seriously?

I remember in Junior Honors English in high school, we were reading The Grapes of Wrath. My teacher asked how a box of Cracker Jacks relates to the story. I gave this fantastic metaphor about with Cracker Jacks, you have four options:

1) You eat and eat and eat until finally your hard work is paid off with the special prize.
2) You don't like Cracker Jacks, but you eat them anyway to get the special prize.
3) You cheat and throw the Cracker Jacks away just to get to the special prize.
4) You don't like Cracker Jacks, and who cares about the special prize?

Suck was with the story. The Joad family could have worded hard for a better life despite obstacles, or they could have given up.

Isn't that fabulous?

"No, that's not right."

Whhhhhhat?

That was freaking brilliant!

You want to know what she said?

"Cracker Jacks are sweet, and so if life."

What the hell?

A third grader could have come up with that! Anything could apply to it:

"M&Ms are sweet, and so is life."

"Honeysuckles are sweet, and so is life."

"Surfing is sweet, dude! And so is life."

I mean, seriously, what the hell?

What the hell, Mrs. Gooch?

What the hell?

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"The secret of teaching is to appear to have known all your life what you learned this afternoon."
---John Skow

A Brief Lesson in Grammar

I know for some people, grammar may not seem important in their day to day lives; however, because I am a future English teacher, and because it just drives me nuts, I have decided to put together a mini-lesson with the basic necessities.

1) noun - person, place, thing, or idea (example: Grandma, Vermont, doll, love)
adjective - descriptive word that modifies a noun (ex: red shoes, tiny hand, crazy lady)
adverb - describes verbs, adjectives, and other adverbs; tells how or where (ex: quickly
ran, clumsily undressed)
conjunction - connects words phrases, and clauses (ex: he and I, neither here nor there,
handsome yet slimy)
pronoun - stands in for a noun (ex: he, she, it, they, me)
verb - shows action (ex: jump, think, love, hop)
interjection - interrupts (ex: hey!, hark!)
preposition - connects nouns by showing some kind of relationship (ex: over the hedge,
up a creek)

(^^LEARN THESE; KNOW THESE!!!^^)

2) No double negatives! Read the following sentence: "I don't have no money!" Does this look correct to you? If not, then bravo. If so, why??? Do you even realize what this sentence actually means? You are really saying, "I don't have a nonexistent amount of money," which is another way to say that you have money, because you are saying that you don't have NO money. Get it?

3) To quote Ross from Friends, "Y-o-u-apostrophe-r-e means 'you are'. Y-o-u-r means 'your'!" These two words are not interchangeable--they mean very different things! An English teacher of mine once told us a little trick: the presence of an apostrophe means that it is replacing something else; therefore, it should be easier to tell that "you're" means "you are" because the apostrophe clues us in that it is replacing the "a" in "you are". This area of grammar also applies to "its/it's," "their/they're/there," etc.

4) "I" is a proper noun. It should be capitalized!

5) She and I went shopping...NOT...she and me went shopping!!! Here's a trick: Take out "she". Would you say, "Me went shopping?" Nope.

6) Subjects and verbs must agree! Read: "A book of matches were found under the corpse." Right? Wrong. There is only one book of matches; therefore, the sentence should read, "A book of matches was found under the corpse."

7) Please use punctuation. Run-ons are no fun and hard to read.

I probably sound quite pompous. I am. haha.......Anyway, just think before you type, and I'll be happy.

- Ms. Cynic


PS: I'm sure I'll make a mistake soon, and people will pounce me me. Can't wait. :D

who knows?

Sometimes I wonder....are the people around me really that inconsiderate, or do I just expect too much from people...?

I honestly think it's the former.

Yummmmmmm!

I should sell my baked spaghetti.

It's to die for.

Hi, friends.

Apologies for the brief hiatus.

Back soon!

To be or not to be?

To be or not to be? At U.S. colleges, it's increasingly 'not'

May 21, 2007

BY ANNE D. NEAL

The world loves Shakespeare. But American universities don't.

That is the conclusion of a new study released by the American Council of Trustees and Alumni. The report, "The Vanishing Shakespeare," surveyed English curricula at 70 major American colleges and universities. Only 15 require their English majors to take a course on Shakespeare. The rest allow the English teachers of tomorrow to graduate without studying the language's greatest writer in depth.

Only one institution requires Shakespeare in the Ivy League -- Harvard. And a mere three others of U.S. News' top 25 liberal arts colleges -- Middlebury, Smith and Wellesley -- require the study of the Bard.

At most of America's top colleges, Shakespeare is simply an elective -- one among many. That puts him on a par with literature courses on "Nags, Bitches and Shrews" at Dartmouth; Los Angeles, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Baywatch at Northwestern; baseball at Emory, and "Cool Theory," at Duke, where students devote themselves to the study of a single word of American slang.

It used to be that our colleges and universities could be counted on to introduce students to the central works, events and figures who have shaped our world as part of a shared conversation. But not anymore.

Students can now graduate from most of the top-ranked colleges in America without having much meaningful exposure to anything. Indeed, in today's academy, there has been a breakdown in the belief that a shared core of learning is important, or that some subjects are more worthy than others. As former Harvard Dean Harry Lewis explains in Excellence without a Soul: "Universities are having a hard time making the case that the education they offer is about anything in particular. 'Breadth' and 'choice' have become goals in themselves."

Mind you, most colleges claim otherwise. Haverford College's English department, for example, claims to "maintain a working balance between an enduring commitment to the traditional canon of English and American literature and an expanding horizon of fresh concerns." And yet, there the Bard is not even an option. In 2006-2007, Haverford College's English department did not offer a single Shakespeare course.

And it's not just Shakespeare who's in trouble. When ACTA surveyed the general education requirements of 50 colleges in 2004, 88 percent did not require a broad literature survey and 86 percent did not require a basic American history or civics course. That's why institutions like UCLA -- which requires its English majors to take Shakespeare, Chaucer and Milton -- are rare, but Hamilton College, which recently scuttled plans for a new scholarly center to study its namesake, Alexander Hamilton, is nothing unusual.

The idea that the Bard and the Founders are unworthy of special attention, of course, does not have much currency in the outside world. That's surely the case in the Windy City, where the Web site for the Chicago Shakespeare Theater highlights "acclaimed productions of William Shakespeare's canon." Why is it, then, that our colleges have such different values?

A college curriculum should not be a do-it-yourself kit. But that is, in fact, what it has become. Instead of directing the next generation of Americans to the most important authors and ideas that ensure an educated person, our universities have abdicated their professional responsibility in favor of "anything goes."

In our global world, it is surely more important than ever for college graduates to understand the civilization that produced them. But if our colleges don't insist that even their English majors study Shakespeare, who will pass on that knowledge to future generations?

Trustees, alumni, parents and students should not sit idly by while the attack on academic values goes unchallenged. It is imperative that all of us demand change and essential that our colleges and universities refocus their efforts on academic quality and academic value. Restoring Shakespeare to his proper place would be a good place to start.

How To Not Completely Suck at Starbucks

So I've been a barista for almost five years now, and I have to say, sometimes people just suck. Here's a handy dandy list I've compiled to help even the most schmoe of Joes fit in.

1) Do not say, "I want a Starbucks." I highly doubt you mean to buy an entire Starbucks franchise. This just makes you sound unintelligent, and I silently mock you.

2) If you say decaf, 9.9/10 times it will be decaf. Stop asking me 508 times between the time you order and the time I hand you your drink. I understand some people absolutely cannot drink caffeine, but give me a little credit.

3) Some people need non-fat milk.

4) Pregnant women: please don't be offended if I ask you if you want decaf. I'm just trying to help.

5) I'm the one that works here, so please don't tell me how to make your drink. Believe it or not, I went through this little thing called "training".

6) DO NOT patronize me by saying, "Oh, you did such a good job!" I already know I did, jerk.

7) I am not a babysitter; therefore, do not yell at me if your brats get hurt or wander away.

8) Hey, Braniac: the type of milk is part of your order. Try telling me what kind you want before I start pouring the default--which is whole.

9) I know I may look it, but I am not, in fact, a freaking mind reader.

10) Just because you came in once in 1946 does not mean I'm necessarily going to remember you or your drink.

11) Unless I initiate it (which I usually will), let's skip the small talk, shall we?

12) God forbid your cheap ass should bring a date here; however, if so, save the teen-aged groping at least until you get to the car.

13) "No, we do not sell newspapers" does not mean you should list off every newspaper ever printed. No newspapers = no newspapers!!!

14) Do not waltz over and sneer, "Are these all the pastries you have?" Actually, your highness, we do have a secret room of royal pastries for your rude ass.

15) "Is there any way you can block out the sun?" Hold on, let me pull out this giant window shade I keep in my pocket. Find a cave, you vampire.

16) "Pretty girl like you got a boyfriend?" You are old and creepy and should be castrated.

17) If you ask for you Caramel Macchiato stirred, why don't you just get a vanilla latte with caramel on top? It's basically the same thing.

18) It's fine if you have no idea what you want to order (although it's apparent you're just trying to hop on the edgy, hip Starbucks bandwagon), but at least come prepared with questions.

19) I've got a line of people seven people deep. Do you really think I have time to answer crap like, "Think it'll rain today?"

20) To Mr. Fatty McFattersen: maybe you should skip the whipped cream today?

21) You are NOT allowed to come behind the counter for any reason, even to wash your hands. Are you mental?

22) Do not reach over the counter to get your own straws or lids. Would you like it if I reached into your purse to get your money myself?

23) Yeah, yeah, your kids are sooooo adorable, blah, blah, blah. Keep them quiet, and clean up after them.

24) "Caffe Mocha" and "mocha" are the same thing. When you order the former and I call out the latter (because I'm not a tool), don't say that's not what you ordered.

25) Don't get mad at me when you find out your venti Strawberries and Creme Frappuccino with extra whipped cream has over 500 calories. I neither manufacture the ingredients nor force/suggest you order it, lardass.

26) Don't ask me a question and then tell me I'm wrong, claiming you are a "coffee connoisseur". If this is the case, go home and make your own damn coffee. Or better yet, open up your own coffee shop, prick.

27) I don't pick the music, so don't humor me by telling me I have good taste.

28) Just because I am a female and my co-worker is a male, does not mean we are dating!!

29) If you are on your cell phone, you are not allowed to correct me or complain that I did something wrong...in fact, it is preferred that you not be in line at all.

30) I don't care how attractive you are, I'm not giving you a free drink.

31) "Have a free sample" does not mean take as many as you need to not have to buy a drink.

32) Don't bring coffee from aisle 4 (the coffee aisle at Target) and have me grind it. There's a do-it-yourfreakingself grinder right there.

33) Dear Mr. Comedian--I hate you.

34) No, Bobbie Sue, we don't have "Cool Whip". If that's what you want, you should probably go to your grandma's house.

35) "I really need my coffee" is not an excuse for your rudeness or stupidity.

36) If you're ordering the same thing as the person before you, tell me! I can make them at the same time, and it will be faster, duh!

37) Don't ask me what the samples are when there's a sign right next to them.

38) Demanding that I turn off "that weird Mexican sounding music" makes you sound like one of the stupidest and most culturally ignorant people I have ever seen.


So there you have it. Follow all these rules (and I'm sure I'll think of more later), and I promise we baristas won't make fun of you after you leave with your precious little latte.


Maybe.

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"Body odor can result in the loss of otherwise happy customers." -- Amtrack training manual, 1999