How To Not Completely Suck at Starbucks

So I've been a barista for almost five years now, and I have to say, sometimes people just suck. Here's a handy dandy list I've compiled to help even the most schmoe of Joes fit in.

1) Do not say, "I want a Starbucks." I highly doubt you mean to buy an entire Starbucks franchise. This just makes you sound unintelligent, and I silently mock you.

2) If you say decaf, 9.9/10 times it will be decaf. Stop asking me 508 times between the time you order and the time I hand you your drink. I understand some people absolutely cannot drink caffeine, but give me a little credit.

3) Some people need non-fat milk.

4) Pregnant women: please don't be offended if I ask you if you want decaf. I'm just trying to help.

5) I'm the one that works here, so please don't tell me how to make your drink. Believe it or not, I went through this little thing called "training".

6) DO NOT patronize me by saying, "Oh, you did such a good job!" I already know I did, jerk.

7) I am not a babysitter; therefore, do not yell at me if your brats get hurt or wander away.

8) Hey, Braniac: the type of milk is part of your order. Try telling me what kind you want before I start pouring the default--which is whole.

9) I know I may look it, but I am not, in fact, a freaking mind reader.

10) Just because you came in once in 1946 does not mean I'm necessarily going to remember you or your drink.

11) Unless I initiate it (which I usually will), let's skip the small talk, shall we?

12) God forbid your cheap ass should bring a date here; however, if so, save the teen-aged groping at least until you get to the car.

13) "No, we do not sell newspapers" does not mean you should list off every newspaper ever printed. No newspapers = no newspapers!!!

14) Do not waltz over and sneer, "Are these all the pastries you have?" Actually, your highness, we do have a secret room of royal pastries for your rude ass.

15) "Is there any way you can block out the sun?" Hold on, let me pull out this giant window shade I keep in my pocket. Find a cave, you vampire.

16) "Pretty girl like you got a boyfriend?" You are old and creepy and should be castrated.

17) If you ask for you Caramel Macchiato stirred, why don't you just get a vanilla latte with caramel on top? It's basically the same thing.

18) It's fine if you have no idea what you want to order (although it's apparent you're just trying to hop on the edgy, hip Starbucks bandwagon), but at least come prepared with questions.

19) I've got a line of people seven people deep. Do you really think I have time to answer crap like, "Think it'll rain today?"

20) To Mr. Fatty McFattersen: maybe you should skip the whipped cream today?

21) You are NOT allowed to come behind the counter for any reason, even to wash your hands. Are you mental?

22) Do not reach over the counter to get your own straws or lids. Would you like it if I reached into your purse to get your money myself?

23) Yeah, yeah, your kids are sooooo adorable, blah, blah, blah. Keep them quiet, and clean up after them.

24) "Caffe Mocha" and "mocha" are the same thing. When you order the former and I call out the latter (because I'm not a tool), don't say that's not what you ordered.

25) Don't get mad at me when you find out your venti Strawberries and Creme Frappuccino with extra whipped cream has over 500 calories. I neither manufacture the ingredients nor force/suggest you order it, lardass.

26) Don't ask me a question and then tell me I'm wrong, claiming you are a "coffee connoisseur". If this is the case, go home and make your own damn coffee. Or better yet, open up your own coffee shop, prick.

27) I don't pick the music, so don't humor me by telling me I have good taste.

28) Just because I am a female and my co-worker is a male, does not mean we are dating!!

29) If you are on your cell phone, you are not allowed to correct me or complain that I did something wrong...in fact, it is preferred that you not be in line at all.

30) I don't care how attractive you are, I'm not giving you a free drink.

31) "Have a free sample" does not mean take as many as you need to not have to buy a drink.

32) Don't bring coffee from aisle 4 (the coffee aisle at Target) and have me grind it. There's a do-it-yourfreakingself grinder right there.

33) Dear Mr. Comedian--I hate you.

34) No, Bobbie Sue, we don't have "Cool Whip". If that's what you want, you should probably go to your grandma's house.

35) "I really need my coffee" is not an excuse for your rudeness or stupidity.

36) If you're ordering the same thing as the person before you, tell me! I can make them at the same time, and it will be faster, duh!

37) Don't ask me what the samples are when there's a sign right next to them.

38) Demanding that I turn off "that weird Mexican sounding music" makes you sound like one of the stupidest and most culturally ignorant people I have ever seen.


So there you have it. Follow all these rules (and I'm sure I'll think of more later), and I promise we baristas won't make fun of you after you leave with your precious little latte.


Maybe.

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"Body odor can result in the loss of otherwise happy customers." -- Amtrack training manual, 1999